How to Say No at Work

Understanding Ask and Guess Cultures and Mastering the Art of Assertive Communication

Have you ever experienced feeling taken advantage of or struggling to ask for what you want at work? Do you often think you fail to get your opinions heard, or do people readily dismiss or undermine your views? I have been there, and it does not feel good.

I used to struggle with making requests, especially at work, such as asking for a raise or paid time off. However, my biggest challenge was saying no to requests. Even when I didn’t have the ability or capacity to fulfill a colleague’s request, I found it difficult to refuse. I didn’t want to let them down and felt obligated to comply.

When someone asks you to do something unreasonable, you may feel resentful that they have put you in an uncomfortable position where you have to excuse yourself to say no. As a result, you may now feel guilty about it. If you were like me, you probably wouldn’t have made such a request unless it was necessary and your life depended on it!

The Importance of Being Assertive

The best feedback I ever received was from a former colleague, and it was life-changing for me. At the time, I felt frustrated about something that had happened at work. I don’t remember the exact details, but I was discussing my thoughts with a colleague when he suddenly said, “You need to be more assertive.”

It wasn’t enjoyable to realize that I didn’t know what assertiveness was and how crucial it is to possess this skill. Assertiveness can help you manage yourself, people, and situations better. It enables you to influence others to gain acceptance, agreement, or change in behavior. Assertive individuals are in control of themselves and honest with themselves and others.

That workmate also recommended a helpful book on assertiveness called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith. Reading this book and researching the topic has significantly impacted my life and helped me progress in my career. Being assertive is an essential quality necessary for healthy relationships and effective management. The best leaders that I know have mastered the art of assertive communication.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

― Manuel J. Smith, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope - Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy

Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture

Another concept I learned that was mind-blowing to me is the clash of the ask versus guess culture, which refers to different communication styles in various societies.

In “ask cultures,” people tend to be more direct and ask for what they want without expecting the other person to read their mind or pick up on subtle cues. In “guess cultures,” people tend to be more indirect and expect others to pick up on their needs and desires without explicitly stating them.

At work, an extreme ask culture could be an employee’s request for a raise, even if they have not met the expectations of their current role. That can be frustrating for the manager and may seem like the employee is entitled and unaware of their performance. On the other hand, an extreme guess culture could be a situation where an employee never asks for what they want and does not seek clarity on their goals. They hope that opportunities to advance will present themselves.

I was raised embracing a guess culture but learned to adopt an ask culture. In Western corporate work, it’s mostly about asking for what you need or want. That can be confusing and frustrating for those accustomed to a guess culture. Awareness of these cultural differences is crucial to enhance communication and avoid misunderstandings. Understanding these cultures and finding a balance between them can significantly improve your interpersonal communication skills.

Strategies for Saying No at Work

In the workplace, it’s crucial to prioritize your time and protect it by saying no when necessary because it is impossible to please everyone or do everything. Especially if you are a manager, it is essential to say no sometimes to your team, peers, and even your boss.

If you want to thrive as a leader, one of the essential skills to master is the art of saying “No.”

Here are my top three strategies for confidently and respectfully saying no in a professional setting:

1. “YES, AND”

The first time I learned about this strategy was from the fantastic book by Camille Fournier, The Manager’s Path. It explains that when dealing with your boss, you shouldn’t simply say “no.” Instead of saying “no,” use “yes, and” to balance positivity with reality. This allows for a more realistic negotiation for priorities.

For instance, let’s consider this fictional conversation you might have with your boss:

Boss: “Hey, would you mind taking on this extra project for me? I know you’re already swamped, but I could use your help.”

You: “Yes, I appreciate you considering me for this project, and I understand its importance. However, given my current workload, I couldn’t give it the attention it deserves. Would you like me to connect you with my colleague who can assist you?”

In this response, you start with “YES, AND” by acknowledging the request positively (“Yes, I appreciate you considering me”) before gently declining and offering an alternative solution. This approach maintains a positive tone while effectively communicating your inability to take on the additional task.

2. Write Strategies

In his book Staff Engineer, Will Larson emphasizes the significance of writing engineering strategies. These strategies are a powerful tool for making explicit and consistent tradeoffs throughout an organization. They aid in decision-making and help teams understand the reasons behind those decisions.

For instance, let’s consider this fictional conversation you might have with an engineer who reports to you:

Engineer: “I’ve discovered this new technology that could improve our development process. It offers some innovative features that could enhance our productivity.”

You: “I appreciate your initiative in exploring new technologies and understand your excitement about its potential benefits. However, our engineering strategy stipulates that introducing new technology should contribute directly to creating valuable product capabilities. Before we consider integrating this new technology, we must assess how it aligns with our product roadmap and whether it will enable us to deliver additional value to our customers.”

In this response, you refer to the engineering strategy guideline that new technology should contribute to valuable product capabilities. By emphasizing the importance of aligning with the product roadmap and delivering additional value to customers, you effectively communicate the requirement for any proposed technology to directly support the development of valuable product features before its implementation.

3. Use Socratic Questioning

Socratic questioning involves declining a request at work by asking questions instead of saying no outright. You can utilize this approach in situations where you believe the idea presented is not a good one. This method involves clarifying the request, exploring reasons and alternative solutions, highlighting concerns, and expressing limitations. It can help understand the issue even when the answer is “no.”

For instance, let’s consider this fictional conversation you might have with one of your peers:

Peer: “I’m considering introducing this new tool for project management. It’s got some great features that could streamline our workflow. What do you think?”

You: “I appreciate your initiative in seeking process improvements. Can you walk me through the specific benefits?”

Peer: “Well, it offers advanced project tracking and integrates seamlessly with our systems. It could help us manage tasks and deadlines better.”

You: “That sounds promising. However, have we assessed potential risks like data security or compatibility issues?”

Peer: I haven’t evaluated risks, but I’m confident the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.”

You: “I understand. Before we proceed, let’s assess the risks. Could we evaluate and develop a mitigation plan?”

Peer: “I see your point. I’ll look into a thorough risk assessment and share the findings.”

You: “Great. A proactive approach will help us make informed decisions and minimize negative impact.”

In this example, you use the Socratic method to engage in a constructive dialogue with your coworker about the proposed new tool. By asking questions about the specific benefits, potential risks, and the need for conducting a thorough risk assessment before implementation, you encourage critical thinking and reflection while expressing your reservations about the possible risks associated with the tool. This approach allows you to assertively decline the request for implementation without outright rejecting the idea, fostering collaboration and understanding between you and your peer.

Final Thoughts

Whenever feasible, it is praiseworthy to lend a helping hand to others and respond with a yes. However, frequently agreeing to do things can cause us to feel overburdened and harm our work quality.

It can be difficult to decline a request when someone asks us to do something, especially if we want to be perceived as a cooperative team member. However, learning to say no is equally essential, as it can benefit our work and mental well-being. Saying no enables us to prioritize vital tasks and give them adequate attention, resulting in improved outcomes.

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Do you struggle to say no professionally? What strategies do you use? Let me know.